Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
