My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I need water and some morals
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