Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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