Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
