I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Randomize
