So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize