grandma shit on top of the toilet
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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