just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
