I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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