I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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