Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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