I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
