apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
