I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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