I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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