Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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