did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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