dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
a search helicopter?!
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
