Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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