guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
