Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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