HIV tests are more positive than that guy
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
