Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
