I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
