cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
