you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
