Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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