my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
