3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
