i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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