We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
