I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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