I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
