Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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