i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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