So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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