i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
