There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
