I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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