you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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