I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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