I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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