I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize