Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
