apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize
