we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
