dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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