Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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