tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
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