i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
