for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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