remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
