And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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