Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
