Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
