dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
