I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
