It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Sorry my hands just texted you
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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