I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
