tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
